Friday, September 23, 2011


I feel like most of my posts are really negative. Partly because I'm a full time working mom with a mild case of PPD. But I am so very lucky. I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am to have such a wonderful, perfectly healthy, beautiful, sweet baby boy. I also have a kind, loving, hilarious husband, and super cute puggle whose kind of a PITA- she's lucky she's so cute! We have a roof over our heads and food on the table (well, usually- assuming we go grocery shopping)!

So even though I sometimes (mostly) sound like a Debbie Downer, I promise I am usually a positive person. Sometimes I sit and watch my son sleep. He is so peaceful and cozy, listening to the sounds of his breathing I so comforting. He just sounds comfortable :) I never understood how much I could possibly love another human being! As I stand over him while he sleeps, watching his chest rise and fall with each breathe, it's like my whole heart is laying there in that crib. I tell him how much I love him every night, that I love him more than all the star in heaven, I love him to the moon and back, that I love him more than anything. I feel like the word love doesn't even do my feeling justice.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I like my job, I do. It's more than just a job, it's a career. But there are days I hate it. There are days I hate that it takes me away from my boy every day. There are days I hate being stressed and busy and responsible for other people. Sometimes I wish I was a secretary or something easy. Logically, I know myself. I know I wouldn't be happy in a job that didn't challenge me, make me think, make me work hard, etc. Sometimes it all just seems like too much. How can I be expected to maintain this extremely high workload and be a mom & a wife? Forget about being a daughter, sister, and friend. There's just not enough time!

Pre-baby I loved fitness. I enjoyed working out, going for a run, eating healthy, etc. Now I don't exercise. At all. Well, I did manage a short triathlon around 6 months post partum, but that's it. No exercise since. I am breastfeeding, so I've lost all the weight but I'm not toned and muscular anymore- i'm like flab on flab! Haha. I know I need to get back into a routine of working out- it's just hard. Especially after you've been out of the habit for so long.

Just add it to the list of things I need to "make time for." Ugh.

Friday, September 16, 2011

I puffy heart Friday night.

Nothing like knowing you get to sleep in the next day :) one big upside to being crazy busy at work is that the week flies by. I feel like it was Monday, I blinked, and now it's Friday. Nice! :)

This week was a good week. I started going into work an hour early, which has really helped. I know get in at 6am, and most people don't start coming in till 8. So that's 2 uninterupeted hours of work- priceless! I have also been trying hard to do at least one chore at home each night. I did it more nights than I didn't, so I consider that a success. Being super busy at work also helped me feel better about being away from my son all day. Like, if I have to be away from him, at least I am doing important things and being productive, etc.

I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open... Goodnight!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Dinner Dilema.

How the heck do families manage to prepare, eat & clean up dinner every single night? I just don't understand how one *finds* the time for this each night. Nevermind the fact that I hate cooking (gasp!) and am not very good at it, either.

A day in my life:
4:30am- wake up, nurse my son
4:45am- get ready for work
5:30am- leave for work, drive....
6:00am- work like a dog, pump, repeat until 4:00pm, then leave.
5:00pm- get home after picking up my boy :) feed the dog, put everything away, refrigerate pumped milk, clean out son's bag, rinse out bottles & soak in water, put stuff away, play with son.
5:30pm- feed my son his solids.
6:00pm- clean up after solids, play.
6:30pm- start bathtime/bedtime routine, nurse my son, but him down for bed.
7:30pm- pack my lunch for tomorrow, get everything ready for tomorrow, wolf down a bowl of cereal, clean, so chores.
8:30pm- relax.
8:35pm- get ready for bed.
9:00pm- bedtime.

And.... That just took all of my "relax" time for the night.

Monday, September 12, 2011


I am struggling to find it lately. I am into my busy season at work, and I am finding it difficult to out in the extra hours I need to at work, and still have time to enjoy the evenings with my family. Last year, it was common for me to get to work at 7am and stay until 6 or 7pm, then work from home for a couple hours in the evening. (yeah... Rediculous.)

Well, I can no linfer stay late since I have a son to pick up after work now. And of course I don't want to spend my only hours with him working! Today I got up at 4:30am and got to work by 6am, worked till 4:30pm, and worked for about an hour from home after dinner. (we did actually eat a real dinner tonight!)

I am exhausted. It has been a good day though. Not only was I super productive at work but I also managed to dona bit of cleaning this evening, too! That's a pretty successful day. My eyes are closing on me... I am so tired!

Time to hit the sack soni can do it all again tomorrow.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Goodbye long weekend...

We need more three day weekends in our society. Just saying. Now it's Monday night after a long Labor Day weekend. Do I feel the dread of another crazy/hectic week? Of course. But tonight is different, my son is going back to his regular babysitter tomorrow! I am definitely thrilled about this, and it's one less thing to stress over. Let's be honest- the person who cares for your child=the most important person in my day.

On another topic, being a working mom is hard enough, being a working & breastfeeding mom is harder still. I remember during maternity leave, my husband never (okay maybe a few times) got up to help overnight- since I was on leave & he was working. He promised me that once I went back to work he would be willing to help more at night. Well, you can guess what happened. Now that I'm only nursing once at 5am and my boy wakes up around 3 or 4... I figured the hubby would be willing to help soothe the baby. Yeah. I figured wrong.

Why am I supposed to be able to function on less sleep- not only function but do more than I have ever done before on less sleep than I've ever had before?! It's so no fair. But no one said it would be fair. So when my husband complains that he's tired, I will have to remember that. Next time. For now a swift kick to the shins seems to be working. (kidding).

Being a parent is hard, period. How do people manage being parents and still be husband/wife to each other? I haven't got the time for both. Ugh. Good night....

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Memories :)

My niece was born today! I haven't seen her yet, but will very soon. Visiting my sister in the hospital we delivered in brought back so many incredible memories! No joke, she delivered in the very same ROOM that I did!

It was so fun & exciting to be in L&D, watch her progress, etc. I wish I could have stayed there all day! I remembered everything, how the contractions felt, how the epidural felt (Ah-maz-ing), the whole experience was just incredible. Of course it makes me want to do it again- this just after being on the floor, let alone holding a newborn! Can you imagine how I'll feel after that? We won't have another baby right away, we plan to wait a few years.

What a great day! Can't wait to hold my newest niece tonight!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Mom 2.0

Today was a great day, we heard from our babysitter- we can go back to her next week! That means only three more days at the daycare center! The daycare center is fine, it's a good place. But we're just spoiled with our wonderful babysitter.

He slept for less than hour all day at daycare today. 15 minute nap this morning and a 40 minute nap this afternoon. He was so tired when I picked him, he slept basically all evening (unless he was eating). I am so relieved that he won't be there for more than a week. Although I am so grateful that they let us enroll him on a week by week basis! I cried the whole way to work this morning, the fear of leaving him with strangers in a room full of babies. I was afraid he would get lost in the shuffle and forgotten about, or sit in a dirty diaper too long, or not be able to sleep (turned out to be reality), or that he wouldn't get enough attention and affection. While I'm sure none of that is true, I couldn't help be feel scared and anxious all day. He's the most precious person in my whole life, how could I leave him in the care of strangers? My husband reminded me that our babysitter was a stranger at first- which is true. But if I can't stay home with him, she is the next best thing. She's like Mom 2.0 :)

Friday, August 26, 2011

Missing my boy.

Being a working mom is hard. I have good days and bad days, and today I am really missing my boy. I know he is in great hands, I just wish we were in mine.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Another day Another dollar.

Oh the excitement of being a working parent! On Sunday I got a call from our babysitter, she had an accident and injured herself and needs to take the week off. First, let me just say she is okay- just a "minor" injury- and I am so glad she is okay! We love her, and our son adores her! This wasn't actually that difficult to deal with- Monday morning my husband and I tag-teamed it. I went to work in the morning, then came home at noon to relieve him- then he went into work in the afternoon. Today a friend is babysitting the little guy. Luckily, I have a job that allows me to work from home on occassion, and a flexible & understanding manager!

Anyway, being home midday was awesome and a slap in the face. I SO wish that we had the financial freedom for me to stay home more. I know this is the age-old debate... And let me tell you, the grass is always greener. My ideal solution would be to work part time. A few days in the office to be an adult, a few days at home to be mommy/ Suzy homemaker. The best of both worlds! Well, until hubby's profession creates jobs with decent benefits, and a major salary hike (when pigs fly), I will remain a full-timer. Sigh.

I try to stay positive and think about all the great benefits of working... Besides, you know, benefits. Here's what I came up with:

1. Since I don't see my boy all day every day I really cherish our time together.
2. We have more $$ for convenience things. (But if I were home we wouldn't necessarily need such convenience items.)
3. An excuse to buy clothes/shoes for myself. (This is actually important- for momma's self image!)
4. I have a great excuse for skipping social functions, volunteer requests, etc. (Sorry I can't do XYZ, I work full time.)
5. Umm... That's it but what list ends after 4?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I'm back.

I'm not sure if anyone even reads this anymore- I didn't have all that many readers to begin with! Anyway, I am now a working mom with an eight month old son! How the hell did that happen? One minute I'm peeing on a stick next thing I know I'm thinking about a first birthday party. In a heartbeat!!

Life as a working mom is tough. Hell, life as a mom is tough! As much as I would love to sit here and say life is great - I'm a rockstar at work and June Cleaver at home... It would be a lie. I'm struggling. A lot. It's hard to focus sometimes at work because I wish I could be home with my boy. My relationship with my husband has suffered, in part because he doesn't understand what I am going through, and partly because I simply don't have the time or the energy to be a good wife. My poor husband has no idea how exhausting (yet rewarding) nursing my son is. I spend a good portion of my day at work in the mothers room- which makes me even busier when I am back at my desk!

I guess what I am saying is that this blog might take a turn- from work-is-my-first-priority to MIA, and now to working mamma. I truly don't know if anyone will read this, but I feel like I need an outlet. And you can only be Debbie downer in your circle of friends for so long. So, I'll keep track of my thoughts, worries, struggles, and hopefully successes here.

Today I am having feelings of inadequacy - feeling like I'm not good at anything. I'm tired of not feeling like myself. Last night I went out to dinner with some friends- some of whom are just thriving as mothers and wives, who are just perfectly suited in that role. I sat there and had fun but also found myself feeling jealous. Jealous that I wasn't happy as can be with the worlds most supportive & understanding husband, loving life. Instead I crawl up in a ball in the guest bedroom and cry.